Damn, there are literally NO Words — which, for me, indicates just HOW Enormous of a "BFD” this is — how much I miss my Family! The following info, might perhaps at least give a ”Reasonable Facsimile” of some Perspective of the Emotions, that are far too intense for, — what even this rather verbose & life-long Poet finds himself an utter failure in even an Attempt to put them into — Words!
Since making one of my Hardest, — and, ultimately, it just might be one of my Worst, (and CERTAINLY Near, if not AT, the Top of those that caused me the Most Lamentation, Pain, & Mourning) only Time will tell, either way — Decision I've ever made, and moving to New Jersey: to try to put myself back together, and basically to Start my Life Over (this time, with a strong resolve to focus on making it a Healthy one in which Self-Care was never Neglected)
How, only 2wks after arriving — & even before I could see my "Crisis Intervention Team,” (based out of a Neighboring University, for the Sole Purpose being to Preventing the lack of Psych Meds creating the Need for Inpatient Care, because the SHORTEST Wait, that One could Possibly Hope For, without being Absurdly Wealthy, is 30-45days for a "New Patient” Appointment with a Psychiatrist,) for me to be put back on my Psych Meds that had allowed me to Function, & until the past 8 Grueling Months, I had not ever had to experience Life without them, for Well Over a Decade — it was made ABUNDANTLY Clear that it was EXACTLY the One I had put all my Trust in, would the Very Thing that would make it all, EVERYTHING I had Intended to Do, utterly Impossible, & I had simply gone "From the Frying Pan, straight Into the Fire; along with the 18mos of Bedlam that ensued, is quite possibly an Entire Volume of my Memoirs: and yet, it is just the Tiniest Drops in the Bucket, in Comparison to either the Year that Proceeded it, or the one that Followed!
[let's just say that the Price of my 'Misguided Trust' was every type of Abuse, almost Unparalleled Emotional Trauma, (even after making it in every way clear of the Extent of How Broken what I had I just gone through left me, and how I doubted I could ever be more Fragile & Vulnerable I was: & receiving EVERY Reassurance) and TWICE Making Me, & ultimately, just as Winter was setting in, Abandoning/Stranding Me, with no other Choice than to, again, be Homeless, my only Option being to live on the Streets of NYC (with, prior to the 1st time, having only ONCE been here alone — which, actually, AT MOST 30mins was spent here — having simply taken a train from like a block away from the Apartment we were living in to Penn Station, walked across the street to Starbucks, ordered a drink, then stood across from Penn Station/Madison Square Garden smoking a couple of Cigarettes with my Coffee & People-Watching, until it was time for me to take the Next Train headed back. Yes, it seems rather odd way to kill the couple hours she had to work late, but — even though she made ME Drive every time we came into the City, it was only a Handful of times & I was simply following the GPS’ & Her Directions to our Destination: having both gone to Uni, & lived in the Dorms, in NYC only several years prior, & shared ZERO Inclination of mine to Explore this Utterly Alien, & Captivating, Foreign Universe: at least to me, having grown up in {East} Costal S. Florida, before moving to North Carolina in my Early 20s, to help another Sister raise my Orphaned Nephew, after one of my sisters passed of Breast Cancer. She wouldn't even facilitate a BRIEF jaunt in Exploring, even after I spent MUCH EFFORT in trying to convince her that she could not, & still pretend to respect ANY Sense of Fairness, deny sparing at least an Hour, as I had, without complaint I added, often went with her to indulge an interest I didn't share for Exponentially Longer.]
The point being, in less than a Year after the Initial time I was forced to live on Gotham's Streets, not even yet finished my initial Harm-Reduction Training, when I saved my First Life with the Use of Naloxone (originally Marketed under the Brand Name ’Narcan’) — as, within the first week or two of my Initial time Homeless here, I sought out a free Naloxone Kit, & the Training to Use it, and had ALWAYS Carried it On My Person, since (& still do!) Then, not to mention being — on Multiple Occasions — having been compared to being to the "Junkie Spots” of the Lower East Side, what Mother Theresa used to be to the Poorer Neighborhoods of Calcutta, after becoming a "Harm-Reduction Outreach Specialist,” even just while Officially Working (not counting those I've been fortunate enough to find & save — shit, not only have I not had someone die, but no one's even gotten permeant effects from Hypoxia, from ODing until I rescued them!) Neither that first time I saved a life, nor even In Retrospect of All I’ve saved like ”as a whole,” has COME CLOSE to Achieving the Sense of Pride, & Accomplishment, that I felt from even ONE SINGLE DAY of Taking Care of my Family — like, say, as a Random Example, taking care of both kids, as well as their Mom, during the times that the Flu, or a Cold, had everyone sick but me (or, if I was, it was usually EXPONENTIALLY Less So!)
So, yeah, how's that for some sort Perspective of the Intensity in which I suffer, from the Separation from my Family!
(Yes, I know this turned into a far too long-winded storytelling session, rather than a post of a simple example, to prove my point, as I intended.... It's STILL a Success, if for no other reason as having captured all the memories as I did — certainly needing massively reworked, but captured for Posterity & able to be both reworked/rewritten, along with it's capacity to jog in me more memories!
(Damn, I have SOOOOO Much ”Subject Material” for my Writings, even just covering the past few years — I need to GREATLY focus on a Specific, & not too extended, of an Time Period/Chain of Events! Especially for what I first try to get Published.... It's been a Constant Lament, during a Lifetime of Writing, that my Brain goes SO Fantastically Much faster than my Hands EVER Could, LOL — even using some Amazing Speech-to-Text software, my Thoughts go even so unfathomably faster than my Mouth!)
